to Mom....

Dear Mom,  you were born 79 years ago this month, I  miss you!

Do you know, the month of June is nearly ending, and summer is heating up in New Mexico?   Life seems ever more exciting and hectic in the summer months...  The flowers are competing to bloom on top of each other, as if fearful when fall comes around they have not totally expressed their glorious colors and sensuous shapes.  The river is rushing to places, even though, it has no slightest clue where it will end… The summer rain, seems drugged high by the wind, they come with a gust of energy, bring in the enormous amount of enjoyment, then quickly, retreat into the drifting cloud again...

Why, mom, on this early Sunday morning, walking out into the early morning cool breeze,  gazing at the fish swimming in the pond, my heart is heavy yet incredibly clear, totally indifferent to the hectic summer life all around me.  I am wondering how can life be so sweetly and colorfully wonderful yet so utterly and brutally meaningless?

Since your passing a year ago, this question has haunted me day and night.

I remembered the last time you and I walked together in the cool breeze, and how lively you were trying to keep up with Dad and I, enjoying the blossom of the spring in the park.  Through my tearing eyes,  I see you now sitting on the park bench wearing your beautiful smile as I running around the park trying to get my exercises.  That was an early spring morning in northern California, but Mom, where are you now?  Can you see what I see?  Can you feel the liveliness of the summer in New Mexico?  Can you smell the early morning sweet breeze and hear the songs of the birds?  Can you see, the fish are brave in the summer as they come up for my morning feeding?  

These life little things are so wonderful but fleeting, isn’t it, Mom?  That Monday early morning, while we were holding your hands as you courageously slipped into the other world, I was shocked to discover that life is utterly meaningless.  Is that the last advice you have wanted to give me?

You have taught me that, however the word “meaningless” seems cruel and echoes emptiness, the accepting of it has opened up a rich world for me to grasp and create: live more with attention, passion and lightheartedness, so I can fill the meaningless life with meanings to my heart's content; so when the time comes for me to go to where you are, I will gently wave good bye to the colors, sounds and breeze as if to blow off a peck of dust from my shirt… I will say then: “life is wonderfully meaningless!”